I'm searching for something...

I'm searching for something... // -->

Thursday, December 30

I never had a good sleep like last night for a long time. Just decided to just leave everything down and get on to bed with just an empty brain with no disturbing thoughts. Reluctant to think of anything. Then i went to dreamland and i dreamt of it again. Wonder why it always happen regardless of me thinking or not about it. He just appeared.

Past few days rather gloomy, or maybe it was just 2 days ago... I just hope a brand new year wouldn't be a stressful year. i want to cope well. i'm getting.. scared.

Heli Dont ask me why 10:18 AM

Wednesday, December 29

A heavy night.

Was supposed to do some work now regarding the tsunami thingy, but i felt so heavy reading the articles with other thoughts at the back of my mind, i thought, i should just blog it out.

I'm just thinking, why the world works like this, and what really is the purpose of a world. I wonder why such things happen, within a night, all's gone. Unwanted, unlikely, unpredictable things that happened. People died, familes got broken up, nations suffer. What the hell and why the hell are we all going through this? I'm a christian but i don't understand why.

I received that news and i just can't understand what the hell are things happening this way. To you, i wouldn't be able to sort of really understand how you feel, but well there's this disappointment definitely. I really hated her for doing that and dread this kind of things to happen. It gets me boiled up and i really feel unjust about it all. I know feeling and just thinking of it isn't doing much help, but well, i just don't like her. I wonder how you're feeling.

I talked about some stuffs regarding npcc just now and i just can't help thinking solemnly and heavily. Things ain going right and i'm trying my best. I kept reminding and stare at the line i'm standing in between. It's something i faced before and i ran away the last time. But i can't this time. I've no choice. I want to do something really. But i just don't know what. Don't really know where to land my foot on next.

I realied i've been reserving a lot of my thoughts all the while, and maybe it grew to be such a way, i find myself losing the importance of my thoughts. I think how easier life would be if all of us don't judge one another. But actually, who are we to judge other people in real life? Who the hell am i?

Too much thoughts. One by one sinking and taking turns to haunt me. Hai.. i'm breaking down tonight.
I just feel very sad tonight. very very that i just want to cry. and cry like i've never done before.
I lost myself tonight. To a night of thoughts. just like this. it will kill me.

Heli Dont ask me why 1:01 AM

Saturday, December 25

i'm so drowsy. and i just realised, it's 8 more days to school.

sadded. =/

Heli Dont ask me why 10:43 PM

Muarri Krismaz!

Woo had a fun time yesterday eh! Sold the snow spray, being sprayed and spayed at others! But i tell you, this year christmas, i hate BLACK people. [no racism here i tell you why] Well, firstly they always aim at me and jinglin, and got one snatched away jinglin's snow spray and sprayed at her lor! So idiot. Lols. But yet at the same time, funny and laughing and jinglin seeing her cover with the foam. hahaha... next year we're gonna buy one whole box for our own supply. I'm going to take revenge! hehe..

*and thanks to tudi and tong for the pure milk shirt! hehe..

We Are The Reason
by Avalon

As little children
We would dream of Christmas morn'
Of all the gifts and toys
We knew we'd find
But we never realized
A baby born one blessed night
Gave us the greatest gift of our lives

We were the reason
That He gave His life
We were the reason
That He suffered and died
To a world that was lost
He gave all He could give
To show us the reason to live

As the years went by
We learned more about gifts
The giving of ourselves
And what that means
On a dark and cloudy day
A man hung crying in the rain
All because of love, all because of love

I've finally found the reason for living
It's in giving every part of my heart just to Him
In all that I do every word that I say
I'll be giving my all just for Him, for Him

We are the reason
that He gave His life
We are the reason that
He suffered and died
To a world that was lost
He gave all that He could give
To show us the reason to live

He is the reason to live....

Heli Dont ask me why 2:06 PM

Thursday, December 23

the moments just full of smiles. =D

you know sometimes life can be just so wonderful that you really feel like you're the highest and you're flying! these are the moments, these are the times! smiles beyond words. =D

I wanna shout to the whole world that, WOOOO I'M HAPPY!

I wanna say thanks to all well wishes and people below...

FEY: Hey guys, you guys really are INCREDIBLE! haha.. thanks for the jigsaw picture! i will definitely hang it up near my bed so that each time before i sleep, i will see it and i will be reminded of you guys always! Thanks for putting so much effort into it, and really making this 17th birthday of mine so happy! My life really became a roller coaster since the day i met all of you, having all the twists and bends, and i'm really proud to know all of you. All of you, BIG HUGS! Really wow.. hahahaha =D

XMS SLB: Haha.. i'm really super super shock to see you guys there with me and more shock to see the swimming pool! (haha... i just know something's not right!) I tell you the moment whereby all of you sung the song and the moment i blew the candles, its like i'm really thinking i'm really the luckiest gal ever! Lucky to know all of you and honoured to have all of you to be there to share the special moment with me. I was really too touched to words that i didn't really express my heartfelt thanks, so millions of thanks!!!

Cass: don't care how many times you pinch me, kiss me, push me into the pool, bully me, disturb me, call me... i still love you always. i still want to care for you always. and i still want to be right beside you always. you are one of the precious gift in life that i really cherish a lot. give me one squeezy snuggy hug when you see me okay? m u a ck s ! ! !

Leen: PSsst! heh i know you went to lots of places to look for my present and yeah! the star light is nice! hehe i don't mind purple so long as it brights up my night always! gerl, you've shook my life and i know in future years, you'll continue to be always shaking my life! Lots of thanks and thanks and THANKS! you're the best fan!!

Big wen: Hey i was waiting for your sms that day eh! haha reluctant to go to sleep without it. Really it's amazing to know you in my life, sometimes sharing your little secrets and smiles in your life. It's really wonderful and fortunate and i cannot comprehend why is this so. you're special and will always be. the greatest gift you can give me is a neo of a nice nice xiao wen and a nice nice da wen! Remember our date! *anticpates for the day to arrive*

Kor: WEI! hehehe we are both so happy today! For all these days be it ups on downs of my life, you've been walking with me always! Thanks for what you've done for me and wanting to be there for me always. Qian wan yu, xie xie and you rawk my life! muacks! =D

laogong aka nora: hey dearie! although sometimes you let me sleep on sofa or eat plain rice or lock me outside, i know you care for me still! each time i message you some deep thoughts or doubts, you never fail to reply them back with sincerity and concern. they are all deeply appreciated from the bottom of my heart! thanks for being there always to support me. =)

Belle Ven Xin: WEi hehehe though it's just a simple dinner, a simple get together, a simple chat, i tell you these are precious moments to me. I don't know why i just feel fantastic with the 3 of you around, be it being suan or suaning other people. you guys don't fail to bring up the spirit of mine always and you guys are special special special. THANK YOU!!

gwee: hehe you are the weirdest of the weirdos who called me at 3am plus over your side taking a chair and going down to the public phone just to give me a call! hehehe though i havent receive your card, but i know it's just gonna be another wonderful present. you rawk you rawk you RAWK! don't worry i can let you kick my ass the next time you see me!

xiaodi: Hey hehe thanks for he jig hor.. but you must give me time to piece! your hair really change le eh! i went to look at your past entries in your blog the other day, and i realised there's quite a lot of entries talking about me. It's just sometimes reading your blog, and i know that i'm one of the important person in my life that really makes me happy. no matter come what may, you've me, ur jie. =)

my cadets: Hey people, thanks for singing me the big big birthday song today in school! haha just a song, but *thumbs up* my wish for all of you is to fly xinmin npcc unit flag high. Jiayou!

xkreatorx: WEI hehe i never forget to thank you eh! haha thanks for helping me fight till 5am that day! lols so touched eh and thanks for talking to me online that time! hehe... xie xie. =)

ec: hahaha i din really expect you to buy that for me. it's so *stares* hehehe.. but i will like it but not necessary use it okay? hahaha must give me time to ermmm.. haha.. thank you thank you!

weihui: hey gal, haha shifu only in swimming pool hor! hehe.. thanks for the test tube! simple and sweet! hehe thanks!

HEY if there's anybody i forgot to mention, must tell me okay? All those that have just leave a tiny tiny or big big or fat fat or skinny skinny footprints in my life, no matter how many, no matter who, all of you have make my life a colourful one. I was in bus today and i just couldn't imagine a world of black and white. Likewise, i couldn't imagine living in a world without anyone of you. Thank you so much. so much. =)

l o v e y o u a l l ! ! !

Heli Dont ask me why 10:26 PM

Wednesday, December 22

Lols. you make me somehow speechless by things you've done.
Little, small, yet pleasing. haha..

It's really true simple things can just do magic in one's life. You've proven me so. Thanks. =)

If only i live in the game, if only i could just sing songs whole day long.. i wouldn't mind.

Heli Dont ask me why 3:04 AM

Tuesday, December 21

thanks for "protecting" me in the game
thanks for saying those words to me
thanks for being a friend

m.u.a.c.k.s.! =)

Heli Dont ask me why 2:12 AM

I felt so handicapped today.
I had to use two hands to close my toilet door.
First time wearing shorts was so difficult for me.
Turning door knob somehow wasn't that easy.

Overstrained my muscles. I'm so lousy.

Heli Dont ask me why 1:14 AM

Sunday, December 19

Superman... me?

I can't stand to fly
I'm not that naive
I'm just out to find
The better part of me

I'm more than a bird...
I 'm more than a than a plan
More than some pretty face beside a train
It's not easy to be me

Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to a home
I'll never see
It may sound absurd...
but don't be naive

Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed...
but won't you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
It's not easy to be me

Up, up and away...away from me
It's all right...you can all sleep sound tonight
I'm not crazy...or anything...

...

i have my hurts. but you don't detect them at all. i have my pride. but you don't seem to give a damn. i needed help and all you did was to keep silent or say few. what do you think i would feel? i have a right to cry, i have a right to say or show others what i feel but i din. i hate you not saying anything. i hate you for not even at least show any slight concern even though it's nothing.

... is it really so hard for you to ask me if i'm okay?

Heli Dont ask me why 8:51 PM

Friday, December 17

I think it's hard to catch me online for a good nice chat on thur fri and sat nights. That's because my brother will be glued to the seat i'm on and not move away till at least 1? So yeah even if i come after 1, i will either be listless, or in deep thoughts.

However, it's rather good to talk to me on the rest of the days, especially sunday. Why? Cos i'm just so glad i can use the com as long as i want, and not being bugged by my brother. Okie i'm just crapping rubbish over here. Just suddenly feel like talking about it.

And i'm full. My legs are tired. My eyes are closing. I want to go to dreamland.

But i want to go to dreamland, with no luggages of thoughts, just myself with a pair of wings, and i wanna fly. I love dreams whereby i'm flying.

I'm getting my shoe tomorrrow!! Anyway, you peeps out there, presents hard to think? Lols.

I tell you what, i like to read cards written by you guys. Write me a nice one this year.. okay? =]

Heli Dont ask me why 11:23 PM

Presents!

Lols. Though i put this title, i'm not going to talk about it. HAHA.

Yeah ate lots today, think i'm growing fatter each meal. But now i'm a little hungry.

Can't wait for Advent Children movie to come out next year!

Heli Dont ask me why 1:31 AM

Thursday, December 16

Actually i'm feeling tired tonight.
But i don't know.. why i talk so much. =X

Heli Dont ask me why 1:27 AM

Wednesday, December 15

Life is unpredictable.
All of us will die.
Just a matter of when..
Just a matter of where..
Just a matter of how..
.. and who goes first.

I wondered what i will be remembered of when i'm gone. A girl who's always red, with lots of bullet holes on the face, likes to tell storeis and always think too much. I think it's interesting yet at the same time frightening to imagine people conversing about you in past tense.

But i think, i'm not thinking too much either. Ain all this possible? For all we know, the next moment a bomb may just dropped down. Poof. I'm in heaven. I think if i am dead, i want to come back and see all of you. See the expression on all of your faces. Hear what all of you may say about me. Feel what all of you maybe feeling.

Will you remember me? =)
I can pictured my mum looking at me sometimes when i'm doing my work, sleeping or eating. I know she don't want me to live a hard life. But sometimes, it's true that we take after our parents. I take after my dad and mum. I believe, my life is meant to be this way. Meant to give away to people around me. But... really?

Heli Dont ask me why 1:55 AM

Sunday, December 12

Emotional Wreck. You are extremely emotional. You
feel contentment moreso than happiness and your
emotional lows are to the extreme. You need to
cheer up and start enjoying your life. Where
there is rain there is a rainbow and you need
to see it more than others. Do something that
makes you happy.

How Emotional Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Heli Dont ask me why 1:38 PM

Saturday, December 11

I went to The Rock and i felt extremely, espeically happy yesterday night. =)

I felt as if, suddenly i got hold of this "happiness" that i know will come back to me often. It is like, i really just know only what's happiness and i don't want it to leave me. It's really wonderful and magical to be happy.

Very happy.

I went home smiling all the way. I felt like singing in the train, i felt like telling everyone i see that, i'm happy. I felt as if, i've given myself away through my radiant face. Haha... that was how happy i felt. And now, i can still my secret happiness. No, not a secret anymore. haha..

Hehe.. I know you're happy for me, i'm too.

It's been so long i went there. Really.. i want more of this. More of such nights. More of such Friday nights. =D

Heli Dont ask me why 8:03 PM

Thursday, December 9

i think.. i've zhang da a little bit le. haha.. =)

*Edna is pretty. Lols. Eileen is cutter. haha.. =D

Heli Dont ask me why 11:45 PM

Wednesday, December 8

BORED.

Heli Dont ask me why 10:03 PM

Tuesday, December 7

Even silence can hurt people, what more words?

I didn't intend to say anything, but yes, you said it all. It's alright i guess.

Sometimes i wonder, why do i always take on the same role in every play?
Why... why can't i for once be the main actress? ... all the roles i played in, never happy ending.

Heli Dont ask me why 1:39 AM

Sunday, December 5

I don't like the feeling of you pushing me aside.

Now i don't know what i feeling. Felt like as if i'm balanced up. And i shouldn't feel anything.

Just gotta do. Gotta run. Gotta hide.

Yeah sometimes i just wanna throw that mask and show everyone how i feel, what i think, who i hate, who i like, what i want say... but i just... don't have the courage. =/
Just so weak.

Heli Dont ask me why 10:49 PM

Saturday, December 4

Tonight i thought about you and me again.
And i know i'm just replaying my roles.
And i know it wouldn't change.
I still hold on to you, don't i?
I should be happy.

I know i can just wish. But wishes don't come true for me eh..?
I know i still like you. =/
I still do.

Heli Dont ask me why 1:41 AM

Thursday, December 2

I don't dare to say it.
Cos i don't even dare to dream about the consequences.

I don't dare to talk to you bout it.
Cos i scare i would hurt you with what i say.

Hai. I don't like the indecisive side of me. So fragile. So uncleared and what i want to do.

But i'm glad, that i'm conscious of every step i take and what i will be facing.

Just be patient. Things will come to light someday.

I can.

Heli Dont ask me why 7:58 PM

Wednesday, December 1

neglected.

Heli Dont ask me why 1:46 AM

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